A Modern Man.

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke free. A diversified multicultural post-modern deconstructionest, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced and know the upside of downsizing and know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech lowlife, a cutting-edge state of the art bi-coastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave, but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hotwired, heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and bio-degradable. I interface on my database, and my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive and I'm hyperactive and, from time to time, I'm radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top and under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile medium range ballistic missionary, a smart bomb, a top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing big foot, slam dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic, out of rehab, and IN DENIAL.

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down, cus I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha male on beta-blockers. I'm a non believer and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward, upfront, down home, low rent and high maintenance. Supersize, long-lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven ready and built to last. I'm a loose knee jerk headcase, prematurely post-traumatic and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary care giver. My output is down, but my income is up, I take a short position on a long bond, and my revenue stream has it's own cashflow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports. I'm gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like tough love. I use the F word in my email, and the software on my harddrive is hardcore, no softporn !! I bought a microwave at a mini mall, I bought a minivan at a megastore, I eat fast food in the slow lane, I'm tollfree, bitesize, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, postal dated, freeze-dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal, lean and mean, cocked locked and ready to rock, rough tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride, driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose, I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road, I party hardy, and lunchtime is crunchtime. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough, Over and Out.

-George Carlin.