213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

This is HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS. It's a pretty long list, so I'm just gonna the ones I like. Yeah me. Its my blog and I'll post whatever i want.

"Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do.

2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
(Princess Anastacia ? Where'd that come from.)

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
(I shall curse you to be forever a toad. Or a girl who never stops PMSing. Take your pick. Toad you say ?)

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
(That'll piss off anyone.)

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
(What the....Whatever this guy smoked, I want some.)

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Samson like powers'.
(Samson was a huge dude who got his powers from his hair till his bitch cut it all off when he came back from drinking late one night.)

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
(Of course he can !! He's God !!)

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
(Sounds like a site to see.)

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
(LOL....Should try that on Nazeeh..)

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
(What happens when you do confuse them ? The French starts crying; the Dutch just lights a doobie.)

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
(LOL)

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
(OUCH.)

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.
(No you don't.)

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
(PORN !!!)

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
(NAKEDNESS !!!)

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
(Mlakka3...)

60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
(STAR WARS !!! LONG LIVE GEEKY FANS LIKE MYSELF !!!)

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
(So now you're a crossdresser ? Moo nag9k ya shai5...)

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
(Probably the best rule here.)

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
(Why not ?)

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
(Shpadoinkle : Can be used in replacement of any adjective or in the expletive; This word can be substituted for nearly any other word. Example : "I think he forgot to wash his hands after he played around with his shpadoinkle.")

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
(AAAA !!!! I'M PISSING BLUE STUFF !!!! AAAAAA !!!!)

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
(AAAAA !!!! I'M PISSING RED STUFF THAT'S PROBABLY BLOOD !!!! AAAAA !!!!)

158. The revolution is not now.
(Ajal mta ?)

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.
(Sir, can I report in my heart covered boxers ?)

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
(They can take our lives, but they can never take away our FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM !!!)

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
(TRANSFORMERS !!!)