How to Argue with Females

The Allied Invasion. The Trojan Horse. The Divine Plan. The following strategy puts them all to shame because it defines how to finally defeat the great beast of society: WOMEN.

Arguing with girls, like yoga, is a meaningless and inane exercise. A lot of guys hate doing it, most notably because it never seems like we can win. But you can win. Here's how.

Step 1. Abandon all logic. Girls don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.

Step 2. If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. Compromise is useless against girls, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole fuckin' Periodic Table. (Nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?)

Step 3. Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. Ever argue with a girl about something and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.

Step 4. Cite precedent. Girls have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most girls reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what "precedent" meant.

Step 5. Interrupt her. Don't let her talk. Girls hate that like they hate other girls. It's hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.

Step 6. Don't take her seriously. Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.

Step 7. If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. If a girl can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.

Step 8. Don't be fooled by "Let's stop arguing please." That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like "Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me." Pisses them off. Just trust me.

Step 9. Compare her unfavorably with another girl. This is especially effective if the comparison is with a girl that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, "Lisa is so much more compassionate than you." Girls hate other girls, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.

Step 10. Don't be intimidated by the water works. That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying girl. Stay strong, don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from "Office Space" in your head if you must.

Step 11. Bust out, "I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point." Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a girl's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games.

Step 12. Ask her if she's on the rag. Self-explanatory.

Step 13. When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.

Remember, girls are the less intelligent of the genders. All throughout history men have out-thought, out-invented, and out-created women in every facet of existence. Isn't it about time we won an argument for once? Gentlemen, that time is now.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape !! So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... Stretching away to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... He's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea. He says:
"Hey !! I have my flashlight with me ! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me !"

But the second guy just shakes his head. He...he says:
"What do you think I am ? Crazy ?! You'd turn it off when I was halfway across !!"

A Good Hand.

He goes out with his friends and tries to have some fun. No luck.
She keeps sending him messages. Why is she still contacting him ? She left him didn't she ? He stares at the phone in his hand as he reads the latest one.

"I'm sorry. I truly am. You don't know how much you mean to me, but I know we won't last forever. I just didn't want to get hurt later. It would kill me if you don't want to ever talk to me, but I know I deserve it. Again I'm sorry."

He just blanks out..."Come on man !! Keep your mind on the game !! We are losing if you haven't noticed !!"
He looks at the cards in his hand. King and Jack of Spades. He throws them down.
"I'm out guys. I...I need to make a call."

He doesn't hear them shouting behind him. He doesn't hear all the TVs blaring loud obnoxious music. He doesn't hear the cars honking as he crosses the street. He doesn't hear the people talking and laughing around him. He hears...nothing.

"I can't do this anymore and it just hit me... We're over. We have been for a long time. I'm sorry but i can't keep pretend anymore it's getting to me. We don't have that spark anymore. You've been a good boyfriend and thanks for everything."

He starts wandering in his thoughts....He goes back, back a long way in time...

Summer. On a roof. The first time they sat together, each shy of the person in front of him. They try to make conversation, but as it always is in these cases, it's awkward. He starts playing with her hands. She tickles him on the knee. He's stunned by her beauty. She can't believe she's actually meeting him. His friends are waiting for him down in the street. Her friends are waiting in the house on which they're on the roof of. He has to leave, but she doesn't want him to. He tapes a video clip on his cousins phone so he can keep memories of that day forever.

"Hey !! Stop !!"
"No 5ala9 i started it."
"I don't care."
"Haha. Now you look like a ghost."
"What ?! Ma ab'3a no ma ab'3a..."
"Sit down then come on."
"No I don't want to."
"Well, I'm taping this."
"I'm calling mama."
"Ha ! Call her...Hey mama, I'm with my man."
"Oh wait !! Videos make me look fat. Delete that."
"I am not deleting this"
"No walla they make me look fat."
"Well...I'm taping your face only."
"My face is fat so delete it."
"Wha ?! No it's not. It isn't !!.... Done. Happy now ?"

He watches it now, as he does everyday. He remembers her white sweatpants with BABY written across the back. He remembers, another time and place, trying to get her to dance with him at one of her friends houses and her whining about her thighes hurting her.

What does she remember, he wonders ? What memories of him does she always think of ? The many fights they had maybe ? Nights they spent texting till the sun came out ? When he gave her his favorite jersey ? Or maybe when she jumps and pecks him on the lips right before he leaves ?

It wasn't always good. He cheated on her and she did the same. He regretted that he did, but did she ? Did she ever care ? She got mad at him for talking to her cousin for crying out loud !! Was it guilt talking ? He doesn't know. She hates his guts now, even with all the sweet words she says, but he knows. He knows her. Better than she knows herself. She despises him. She wants them to still talk, still be friends, and he refused. It's too hard on him. But she doesn't get that, and she hates him for it. Maybe she doesn't know what to do, so she uses hate for an excuse. The girl that never lets other guys get to her, and he got through.


No more. No more. She left so stop thinking about her. STOP. At that moment, he deleted everything. All her numbers, all her messages, all her pictures. He has to move on with his life. But he keeps the video. He wants to remember that time. When he felt on top of the world. Forgive but never forget they say. He walks back to his friends and their card game. Maybe this time, he'll get a good hand. You never know.






Dedicated to someone who I promised to publish this for. See ? I'm a man of my word.

Quotable Quotes.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

No radical change on the plane of history is possible without crime.

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.


Alright. Well, in all honesty, I don't feel that what I've done is a crime. And I think it's illogical and irresponsible for you to sentence me to prison. Because, when you think about it, what did I really do? I crossed an imaginary line with a bunch of plants. I mean, you say I'm an outlaw, you say I'm a thief, but where's the Christmas dinner for the people on relief? Huh? You say you're looking for someone who's never weak but always strong, to gather flowers constantly whether you are right or wrong, someone to open each and every door, but it ain't me, babe, huh? No, no, no, it ain't me, babe. It ain't me you're looking for, babe. You follow ?

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Freedom, baby... is never having to say you're sorry.

The only difference between the Sane and the Insane, in this world, is the Sane have the power to have the Insane locked up.

Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying you make too much money.

In a game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces.

If there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet.

How many times do you get to lie before you are a liar ?

Pessimist's definition of an Optimist: Someone who knows today is so bad, tomorrow has just got to be better.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.

First they put away the dealers, then they put away the prostitutes, then they shooed away the bums, and beat and bashed the queers. Turned away asylum seekers, fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice, we didn't make a fuss, it's funny there was no one left to notice when they came for us.

Remembering...

Some things are beyond words.
Beyond comprehension.
Beyond forgivness.
Peaple ask : "Where were you ?! How could you let this happen ?!"

How do you say we didn't know? We couldn't know.
We couldn't imagine.

Only madmen could contain the thought, execute the act, fly the planes.
The sane world will always be vulnerable to Madmen, because we cannot go where they go to conceive of such things.
We could not see it coming.
We could not be here before it happened.
We could not stop it.
But we are here now.

Even those we thought are enemies are here.
Because some surpass rivalries and borders.
Because the story of humanity is written not in towers but in tears.
In the common coin of blood and bone.
In the voice that speaks within even the worst of us and says THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
Because even the worst of us, however scarred, are still human.
Still Feel.
Still mourn the random death of innocents.



Ordinary men.
Ordinary women.
Made extraordinary by acts of compassion.
And courage.
And terrible sacrifice.

Ordinary men.
Ordinary women.
Refusing to surrender.

Ordinary men.
Ordinary women.
Refusing to accept the self-serving proclamations of holy warriors of every stripe, who annonce that somehow we had this coming.
We reject them both in the knowledge that our tragedy is greater than the sum of our trangressions.

Bodies in freefall in the evening news.
Madness in mosques, shouting down fourteen centuries of earnest prayers, forgetting the lessons of crusades past....that the most harmed are the least deserving.

There are no words.
There are no words.
The death of innocents and the death of innocence.
Rage compounded upon rage. Rage enough to blot out the sun.


What do we tell the chidren?
Do we tell them that evil is a foreign face?
No. The evil is the thought behind the face, and it can look just like yours.
Do we tell them evil is tangible, with defined borders and names and geometries?
No. They will have nightmares enough.

Perhaps we tell them that we are sorry.
Sorry that we were not able to deliver unto them the world we wished them to have.
That our eagerness to shout is not the equal of our willingness to listen.
That the burdens of distant people are the responsibility of all men and women of conscience or their burdens will one day become our tragedy.
Or perhaps we simply tell them that we love them, and that we will protect them.
That we would give our lives for theirs and do it gladly, so great is the burden of our love.

In a universe of Gameboys and DVDs, it is, perhaps, an insubstantial gift.
But it is the only one that will wash away the tears and knit the wounds and make the world a sane place to live in.

We could not see it coming.
No one could.
We could not stop it.
No one could.
But we are here. Now. With you.
Today. Tommorow. And the day after.
We live in each blow you strike for infinite justice, but always in the hope of infinite wisdom.
Because we live as well in the quiet turning of your considered conscience.
The voice that says ALL WARS HAVE INNOCENTS.
The voice that says YOU ARE A KIND AND MERCIFUL PEOPLE.
The voice that says DO NOT DO AS THEY DO, OR THE WAR IS LOST BEFORE IT IS EVEN BEGUN.
Do not let that knowledge be washed away in blood.

When you move, we will move with you.
Where you go,we will go with you.
Where you are, we are in you.
Because the future belongs to ordinary men and ordinary women, and that future must be built free of such acts as these, must be fought for and renewed like fresh water.
Because a message must be sent to those who mistake compassion for weakness.
A message sent across six thousand years of recorded blood and struggle.
And the message is this:
Whatever our history, whatever the root of our surnames, we remain a good and decent people, and we do not bow down and we do not give up.
The fire of the human spirit cannot be quenched by bomb blasts and body counts.
Cannot be intimidated forever into silence or drowned by tears.
We have endured worse before; we will bear this burden and all that come hereafter, because that is what ordinary men and women do.
No matter what.
This has not weakened us.
It has only made us stronger.

In recent years we as a people have been tribalized and factionalized by a thousand casual undkindnesses.
But in this we are one.
Flags sprout in uncommon places, the ground made fertile by tears and shared resolve.
We have become one in our grief.
We are now one in our determination.
One as we recover.
One as we rebuild.

You wanted to send a message, and in so doing you awakened us from our self-involvement.
Message Received.
Look for your reply in the thunder.
In such days as these are heroes born.
The true heroes of the twenty-first century.
You, the human being singular.
You, who are nobler than you know and stronger than you think.
You, the true heroes of this chosen moment, chosen out of history.

We stand blinded by the light of your unbroken will.
Before that light, no darkness can prevail.
They knocked down two tall towers.
In their memory, draft a covenant with your conscience, that we will create a world in which such things need not occur.
A world which will not require apologies to children, but also a world whose roads are not paved with the husks of their inalienable rights.
They knocked down two tall towers.
Graft now their echo onto your spine, become girders and glass, stone and steel, so that when the world sees you, it sees them.
And stand tall.
Stand tall.
Stand tall.

--J. Michael Straczynski

Dating Rituals From Around The World.

AMERICAN WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.



IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.



ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.



JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.



INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.



AMERICAN BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.



MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.



ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: Guy is shot dead.

No third date.

She is a woman

So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable...

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable...


Truer words have never been said.

TIC TOC

What is TIC TOC you ask ? Well, It's my latest and first story which can be found here.

Written by !n$@n!tY.
Edited by Sweet Anger.
Found on the United Ash and Bored Productions site.

Comments be appreciated here and there.

213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

This is HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS. It's a pretty long list, so I'm just gonna the ones I like. Yeah me. Its my blog and I'll post whatever i want.

"Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do.

2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
(Princess Anastacia ? Where'd that come from.)

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
(I shall curse you to be forever a toad. Or a girl who never stops PMSing. Take your pick. Toad you say ?)

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
(That'll piss off anyone.)

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
(What the....Whatever this guy smoked, I want some.)

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Samson like powers'.
(Samson was a huge dude who got his powers from his hair till his bitch cut it all off when he came back from drinking late one night.)

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
(Of course he can !! He's God !!)

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
(Sounds like a site to see.)

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
(LOL....Should try that on Nazeeh..)

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
(What happens when you do confuse them ? The French starts crying; the Dutch just lights a doobie.)

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
(LOL)

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
(OUCH.)

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.
(No you don't.)

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
(PORN !!!)

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
(NAKEDNESS !!!)

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
(Mlakka3...)

60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
(STAR WARS !!! LONG LIVE GEEKY FANS LIKE MYSELF !!!)

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
(So now you're a crossdresser ? Moo nag9k ya shai5...)

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
(Probably the best rule here.)

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
(Why not ?)

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
(Shpadoinkle : Can be used in replacement of any adjective or in the expletive; This word can be substituted for nearly any other word. Example : "I think he forgot to wash his hands after he played around with his shpadoinkle.")

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
(AAAA !!!! I'M PISSING BLUE STUFF !!!! AAAAAA !!!!)

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
(AAAAA !!!! I'M PISSING RED STUFF THAT'S PROBABLY BLOOD !!!! AAAAA !!!!)

158. The revolution is not now.
(Ajal mta ?)

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.
(Sir, can I report in my heart covered boxers ?)

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
(They can take our lives, but they can never take away our FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM !!!)

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
(TRANSFORMERS !!!)